


Scattered Ashes

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-15
Updated: 2003-11-15
Packaged: 2018-12-27 15:05:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12083559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian has learned to love - but will he break Justin's heart because of it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Brian Kinney stepped out into the glaring sun, cool and confident as always. Sliding the dark Ralph Lauren sunglasses over his eyes, he made a beeline for the black Corvette parked at the curb. Slipping into the soft leather seat, he turned the ignition and sped away.

Upstairs in the loft they shared together Justin Taylor watched as his lover drove off into the day. Brian had been awake and dressed in his usual business suit, Armani of course. Only Justin had never seen this one before. Dark gray, with a maroon shirt and tie, Brian was breathtakingly beautiful. His auburn hair was just messy enough to look as if it were meant to be that way, his hazel eyes sparkled as he smiled down at Justin holding a cup of coffee just out of reach. Justin smiled back sleepily, wondering where Brian was headed this morning.

"Morning, Sunshine." Brian's voice echoed through the cavernous loft, empty of all the soft white Italian furninshings it once held.

"You're up early," Justin commented as he took Brian's hand and allowed his lover to pull him off the bed to his feet.

Kissing the full, pouty lips of the young man standing before him, Brian handed him the steaming cup and turned to descend the stairs to the living room. "Busy day," he commented over his shoulder.

Justin shook his head and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar so he could see the bedroom as he took a piss. Flushing and washing his hands, he picked the coffee up and stopped only long enough to step into a pair of sweats before following his lover downstairs.

He found Brian sitting on one of the two remaining chairs left in the loft and crossed the room to sit in his lap, wrapping his arms around him and kissing him softly.

"So what has you looking like Fashion Week in the city today?"

Brian laughed and pushed the beautiful man off of his lap. "I have a meeting."

"With who?"

"Stockwell."

"What the fuck are you meeting with him for?" Justin watched Brian carefully.

"No clue, Sunshine. He called and asked me to meet him in Gardner's office this morning."

"And you agreed?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Because he asked me so nicely."

"Damnit, Brian."

"What?"

"After all you gave up to make sure he didn't win and now you're going to just go meet with him like nothing ever happened?"

Brian looked around his home, empty of everything he had once held so dear. "Don't remind me of my moment of insanity."

"It was the smartest thing you ever did, next to taking me back that is."

"Yeah, and I'm still getting used to that one."

"You know you love having me here. I brighten up the place."

"Don't flatter yourself, kid."

"Why are you really meeting him, Brian?"

"Because he asked me to."

"Don't sell out again, Bri."

"I never sold out, Justin. I just lost my way."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Peterson-Marcus household was abuzz with activity as was usual for a Monday morning. Melanie waddled around in her bathrobe fixing breakfast for Lindsay and Gus. She had become less active as her pregnacy advanced. She was just days away from her due date and Lindsay worried about her being home alone all day.

Just as Melanie sat a bowl of cinnamon raison oatmeal down in front of Gus, Lindsay breezed in. Snatching a piece of bacon from a plate she grabbed her coat, ready to run out the door when Melanie stopped her.

"Hey, where's my kiss?"

"Sorry, Mel. I have a meeting I'm supposed to be in in ten minutes and I will never make it if traffic is heavy this morning."

"You are working entirely too hard, Lindz."

"This from the woman who worked 80 hour weeks just a few short months ago." Bending down she kissed Gus, "Be a good boy today for Grandma Debbie. Mommy loves you lambskin."

Turning to Melanie, she softened even more. "Are you going to be ok by yourself today?"

"I'll be fine, and I won't be alone. Emmett is coming over to help me with the nursery."

"Just think, Mel, in a few days, you'll be a mother."

"I already am a mother."

"I know, but this time you get to go through the labor and delivery."

"Gee, thanks."

Lindsay kissed her partner's cheek and closed the door softly behind her.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hunter was up before Michael and Ben and was busy pouring himself a bowl of cereal. He had been back in school for several months now, since he and Michael came back to town. Ben and Michael fought and won custody of him after an old neighbor came forward and testified against Hunter's mother.

Ben had arranged for Hunter to have counseling twice a week and it seemed to be helping. Hunter was just starting to eat his Cocoa Puffs when Michael came out yawning.

"Morning, Mike."

"Good Morning, Hunter. You should really eat something better than Cocoa Puffs. Ben would have a heart attack if he saw you eating that stuff."

"You're one to talk," Ben interrupted. Kissing Michael on the lips he slid into the seat next to Hunter and waited for the coffee to finish brewing.

***********************************************************************************

The boardroom was empty with the exception of Jim Stockwell and Gardner Vance. Both men anxiously awaited Brian's arrival. They knew that if they played their cards right they could get the ad ex back at VanGard where he belonged.

Brian had been making waves all over town and the New York agencies were treating him like the belle of the ball. Brian was highly sought after, with his experience and a growing list of clients willing to leave VanGard to follow him wherever he may land.

"He's late," Stockwell said pacing the room.

"Just his way of showing us that he's in control."

"I wish I was as confident as you are, Gardner. Brian Kinney is a walking time bomb and if he explodes he can take us all out."

"And just how can I do that?"

Both men turned towards the sound of Brian's voice and stood to shake his hand. Brian sat down, ignoring the gesture and opened his briefcase.

"Want to tell me what this is all about?"

"It's about your partnership here at the firm. Your contract still stands and your job is still open."

"Sorry Gardner, I'm not interested."

"And I'm not willing to buy you out and those are the terms of your dissolution of your partnership here."

"Then I guess you'd better call in your lawyers, 'cause you have one hell of a fight on your hands. Oh and my attorney has already filed the paperwork to start the proceedings. I brought you a copy." Brian handed Gardner a file of legal papers and stood, closing his briefcase. "Happy reading."

Gardner sat in disbelief as Brian slammed the door on his way out. Turning to Stockwell he let his anger show clearly on his face. "That little bastard is suing me for damages."

"Sounds like you're in for a lengthy battle there, Gardner."

"Don't get so cocky, Jim. You're named too."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Emmett let himself into the artistically decorated house and headed straight for the sounds coming from the kitchen. Gus was crying and it appeared that Melanie was as well when he pushed open the door. Picking Gus up, he kissed his soft head and held him close. Worry consumed him as he noticed Melanie's pale face.

"Mel, what's wrong?"

"My water broke."

"Well it's ok I'll clean it up and get you another glass. There's no reason to cry."

"Not that kinda water, Em."

Emmett paled and stammered, "You mean... your... water..."

"Yes, Em, I'm in labor."

"Oh my, Miss Melly, I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin no babies."

"For the love of God, Emmett, is everything a movie to you? Call Debbie and ask her to pick Gus up at the hospital and phone Lindsay at work to meet us there. Oh and I guess you need to call Michael too."

Emmett rushed about doing the things that Mel had directed him to do and then grabbed her bag and put her in the front seat and Gus in his car seat. Speeding off down the street, he held onto Melanie's hand as she panted through the contractions.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin picked up the ringing phone expecting it to be Daphne or his mom. It took him a minute to understand the panicky man on the other end of the line.

"Justin, did you hear me?"

"Who is this?"

"It's Michael. Is Brian there?"

"No, he had a meeting this morning. What's wrong? You sound like you've just been attacked by rabid dogs."

"Melanie's in labor."

"Well you know, Mikey, women have been giving birth since Adam and Eve."

"You know, the longer you're with him the more you sound just like him. Could you just call him and ask him to come to the hospital?"

"Yeah, I guess I could do that. Now take a deep breath, Mikey and call a cab. I don't want you riding that damn bike of yours over there, you just may kill yourself."

"Fuck you."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Brian Kinney."

"Hey, baby. How was your meeting?"

"As well as could be expected."

"Well hold onto your jockstrap 'cause your day is just starting to get better. Melanie is in labor."

"Oh God, SuperDyke is pushing out the spawn of Zephyor. I'll be home in five minutes and you can fill me in then."

"Gotcha."

"Hey, Sunshine."

"Yeah?"

"Later."

"Later, Bri."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Lindsay walked in to find Melanie sweating and screaming for drugs. Emmett sat at the side of the bed silently crying. He looked up and smiled gratefully that Lindsay was finally there.

"Oh, thank God above. I am not meant to see these kinds of things, Lindz. I'm not strong like you. I gotta go." He kissed her cheek and rushed out of the door without even giving Lindsay a chance to speak.

Lindsay pressed a light kiss to her partner's head and fed her ice chips. Melanie was not the most feminine of women and this was going to be a long day. For once since Mel's second tri-mester, Lindsay wished that she had convinced her not to have a baby.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian and Justin walked hand-in-hand into the hospital. Neither man wanted to be there, much less have to listen to Melanie bitch and complain, but Michael needed his best friend. That was one Justin still hadn't figured out. Just what was it that Michael needed Brian to do, hold his hand while he pushed the baby out himself?

They had just sat down next to Emmett when a very handsome man came over smiling at Brian. "Excuse me, don't I know you?"

Justin answered for his lover, "No, I don't think that you do." Turning back towards Emmett he sent out a strong message of 'keep away he's mine' by the hand he placed possessively on Brian's thigh.

"No, I'm sure that I do," he said in a heavy Italian acccent. "You are Brian Kinney, no?"

"Yeah, that would be me, but I'm sure I would remember you if we had met." The man was just what Brian normally went for in a fuck, tall, dark, and a body made for fucking all night. The pinch on his inner thigh sent his smile scampering off into the sunset. "Ow."

Justin shot Brian a dirty look as the other man sat down next to his lover. "I'm Anthony Mollanaro. I believe you did a campaign for my brother's shoe company."

"Ah, yes I remember now. So what brings you back to the Pitts?"

"Ah, my partner and I were on a fishing trip when he fell and broke his arm. Then his wife went into labor so here I am stuck in hell."

"So sad to hear it," Justin said dramatically rolling his eyes.

Brian shot Justin a look of anger and turned his attention back to Anthony. Emmett and Justin watched as Brian leaned closer to the man to talk quietly with him. MIchael rushing out of Melanie's room interrupted the converstation.

"A boy. Michael Jr. I'm a father," he said and promptly passed out cold on the floor.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin walked in to find Melanie holding her son. Both mother and son looked sleepy and cried out. Lindsay bussed his cheek softly before he sat down beside Melanie.

"He sure is handsome, Mel."

"Thanks, sweety. You're his first visitor. Would you like to hold him?"

"Really?"

"Of course." Melanie handed her son to Justin and watched with pride as her boy smiled up at the handsome man holding him.

Justin kissed his soft head gently and smiled back at the little boy in his arms. "Welcome to the world JR."

"He's named another of our kids," Lindsay whispered to her partner and both smiled in each other's embrace.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin wandered Liberty Aveunue in a daze. He knew in his soul that something was wrong, that somehow he was losing Brian. Anthony had become a permant part of Brian's life and it irritated Justin immensly. They seemed to have everything in common. Everything except that Anthony did not have a boyfriend and Brian did. More and more everyday Justin felt like an outsider in his own home. He knew it was only a matter of days, weeks maybe before Brian and Anthony slept together.

Justin stopped at the small jewelry store he frequented and browsed the necklaces and bracelets. Brian's birthday was in a week and he had wanted to get him something special. As he glanced through the glass cases a small silver chain with a pendant caught his eye. He couldn't quite make out what it was and asked Frank, the salesman for a closer look.

Running the chain through his fingers he nodded that he would take it and scribbled a small inscription to be added to the back of the pendant. As he was leaving a small siver rattle caught his eye and he instantly thought of JR. After paying for it and inscribing it with 'Love Brian and Justin' and the date of his birth he headed out the door.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian sat at his desk looking through files without even seeing them. His mind was on Justin. His mind was always on Justin lately. He didn't want to hurt him, not for anything in the world. The last seven months had been hard on them both, but on Justin especially. Anthony had become a very good friend and he was attracted to him.

Anthony made no secret about his feelings for Brian. Anthony had told him just the night before that he was in love with him. Brian hadn't responded but didn't resist the kiss that came next either. Now he felt guilty. Something he had'nt ever really felt before.

Running a hand through his hair, he closed his eyes and thought about the last seven months. He hadn't planned it, but somehow he and Justin had drifted apart. They never talked anymore, and it was mostly his fault. He was always working or off with Anthony. Justin was at school or the diner and their schedules never seemed to coinside anymore.

Brian missed Justin, a lot at first, but as the months drifted by he started to get used to his partner not being there. Besides Anthony was always available when he needed someone to talk to.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Anthony waited impatiently for the elevator to stop on Brian's floor. He hadn't seen him all day and missed Brian fiercely. He'd told him the previous night that he was in love with him. Brian hadn't said much, but the kiss they shared said more than words ever could. He knew that Brian was involved with the blond kid, uh, Justin, yes, that was his name.

Anthony didn't consider Justin an osbtacle to his blossoming relationship with Brian Kinney. He always got what he wanted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Emmett sat across from his best friend, waiting for him to spill what had him in such a funk. After several minutes of silence, he pressed the issue.

"Wanna tell me what's wrong there, Sunshine?"

"Nothing."

"God you can't lie worth a fuck. Let me guess, Brian? What'd the insensitive asshole do now?"

"He didn't do anything that I know of. I'm sorry Em, I'm just confused I guess."

"Confused about what?"

"Anthony."

"You mean that Italian with the fake accent that's been hanging around since JR was born? What the hell are you worried about him for?"

"Because he seems to have all of Brian's attention lately. Do you know that Brian and I haven't had sex in two weeks?"

"Holy Shit, honey, this is serious. Two weeks of no sex for Brian is like a death sentence."

"Thanks, that's just what I needed to hear."

Debbie interrupted before Emmett could apologize. "What's the long face for, Sunshine?"

"It's Brian," Emmett answered, recieving a nasty look from Justin. Debbie slid into the booth next to Justin and wrapped him in her arms until he struggled for breath.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Anthony strode past Cynthia straight into Brian's office with a blanket over his arm and a picnic basket in his hand. "Hello, handsome."

Brian looked up, surprised to find Anthony standing over his desk looking devestatingly handsome. "Anthony, what are you doing here?"

"I've come to rescue you from the boredom of work. I have all of the things that you aren't supposed to love but do. Fried Chicken, potato salad, chips and beer. So, what do you say?"

"He can't. Brian you have a meeting with Eyeconics in an hour and the boards need proofing." Cynthia left the office door open behind her and stepped aside for the tall Italian to leave the way he came.

"And who the hell are you?"

"I'm his assistant, and you are?" Cynthia was shooting daggers at him and immediatly thought of the old Jamaican lady down the hall from her. She wondered just what she would need to make a voodoo doll to torture this self-assured asshole.

"Cynthia, this is Anthony, a friend of mine. Now could you please go get those boards set up in the conference room for me and I'll be there in a few moments."

Cynthia hated the way he dismissed her but quietly went out to do what he asked, shooting him a dirty look before closing the door, making sure to leave it open just a crack.

Brian turned to Anthony and smiled apologetically. "Sorry about that, she's a little territorial sometimes."

"She's a bitch."

"She can be at times but I couldn't survive without her. Not that I'd ever tell her that." Brian's laughter sent chills down Anthony's spine and he felt his groin tighten against his linen pants. "Listen, can I take a raincheck on the picnic?"

"Sure, but don't forget that all work and no play makes Brian a dull boy."

"And all play and no work makes Brian a poor man," Brian laughed. He stood to walk Anthony out and was instantly drawn into a kiss. Giving in to the sensations that coursed through him, he pulled him closer, pressing hard against him so that he could feel his hardness.

Cynthia stole a quick glance into Brian's office and shook her head at what her boss was doing. She stormed off back down the hall and let her anger brew as she waited for him.

A few minutes later Brian came into the conference room and she let him have it. "What the hell are you doing, Brian?"

"Getting ready for my meeting." Brian was doing his best to avoid an inquisition. Cynthia was a good friend and at the moment he just wanted to enjoy the kiss he had just shared with Anthony, not listen to her bitch.

"Very funny, asshole. What about Justin?"

"What about him?"

Cynthia followed him out of the room and down to his office, pulling the door shut behind her. She grabbed the silver framed picture of Justin from his desk and threw it at him. "What about him? The man you love, your partner of the last seven months? You sulked for six months when he left you for that fucking fiddler, then when he came back you were so happy. I've never seen you so happy. How can you just throw that all away on some piece of shit?"

"That's enough, Cynthia. Anthony is my friend and I will not tolerate your bad mouthing him."

"It looked to me like he was more than just a friend, or do you kiss all your friends like that, Brian?" She walked to the door and turned back to face him just before opening the door to leave. "Just remember that one of these days you're going to wake up and realize that Justin is the one you love and want and when you go home to tell him, he's not going to be sitting there waitingfor you. Then what will you do, Brian? What are you going to do when you've hurt him so much that he can't ever forgive you?" 

Brian was left with the sound of her heels clicking down the hallway as she left his office.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin walked quietly into the empty loft and looked for any clue that Brian had been home. It was late and he was tired and just wanted to fall asleep in Brian's arms. Taking the steps up to the bedroom, he glanced at the perfectly made bed and knew that Brian hadn't been home at all yet. Two a.m. and his lover was nowhere to be found.

Fighting back tears, he grabbed a blanket from the closet and headed to the couch. Justin couldn't bear to sleep in an empty bed one more night. This was becoming a habit, Brian not being home when he got there and him falling asleep on the couch only to wake to a note from Brian in the morning. They needed to talk and they needed to do it now.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian sat on the leather couch in Anthony's loft and thought about how much it reminded him of his a year ago. He loved the clean lines and modern feel. He had so much in common with Anthony and found himself feeling things he had only ever felt before with Justin. Brian was scared, of what he wasn't sure, but he was definitely scared.

Anthony handed him another glass of wine and sat next to him, his hand on Brian's thigh. Brian could see his cock straining against the black leather of his pants and wanted to touch him. They hadn't fucked yet, but both men knew it was only a matter of time before it happened. 

Anthony had been understanding about his relationship with Justin and hadn't pressured him for anything. He enjoyed being with Anthony, sometimes more than he enjoyed his time with Justin. Lately he hadn't spent anytime with Justin. One of them was always working, or Justin was at school. They had been drifting further and further apart and Brian wasn't sure if they could ever find their way back.

Anthony leaned over and kissed Brian's full lips, softly at first, pressing for entrance. Brian opened himself up to the man and closed his mind to thoughts of Justin Taylor.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Two days later Brian slid open the door to the loft to find Justin sitting on the floor waiting for him. He had fallen asleep with his back against the steel beam and Brian sat down next to him, kissing him softly on the lips. Justin woke slowly and allowed himself to be carried up the stairs to the bedroom.

Brian laid him softly on the bed and slowly undressed him, leaving a trail of hot kisses on his body as he removed his clothing. Justin moaned in pleasure at the feel of Brian's hands and lips on his body. Once Justin was naked, Brian quickly stepped out of his own clothes and straddled his lover. Leaning down he kissed him slowly, passionatly, until both men were desperate for air. Breaking apart for only a moment, Brian kissed him again. 

His hands caressed Justin's silky skin, massaging and teasing with every touch. Justin's cock grew harder with every caress and he arched his back just to feel Brian's skin against the leaking head of his dick. A deep moan escaped him only to be lost in the kiss and Brian's movements intensified.

Justin's hands wove through Brian's hair pulling him impossibly closer and holding him tightly against him. When their bodies made full contact, it was almost explosive. It had been weeks since they had been together in this way and neither man could get enough of the other.

Justin reached out and stroked his partner's cock. Brian pushed him away and pulled his legs over his shoulders. Rolling a condom down his thick shaft he squirted lube on the latex and his lover's hole and pushed deep inside. He was desperate to be one with Justin and Justin met every thrust with equal urgency. Brian never broke the kiss until both men climaxed together. 

Brian rolled off of Justin reluctantly and pulled him into his embrace and listened as his breathing calmed. Closing his eyes he knew in his heart that this was goodbye.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin waited until Brian headed for the bathroom before getting dressed and going downstairs. Tonight had to be the night and he was determined to settle this once and for all. He just wasn't so sure that he was going to have the strength to say goodbye to Brian forever.

Brian showered and shaved before heading downstairs. He had tried everything to delay the inevitable but now he had to face the truth, a truth that stood to destroy someone he loved deeply.

He found Justin sitting on the couch, staring at a blackend television screen and sat down next to him, taking his hand in his own and pressing it to his lips. Justin looked up at him with tear filled sapphire eyes full of sorrow. Brian's heart broke further, knowing that he was the one to cause such pain in those eyes he loved so much. Justin was the first to speak.

"Do you love him?" he choked out hoarsly.

"I don't know how to answer that," Brian stammered.

"A simple NO would be a great start."

"It's more complicated than that, Justin."

"Either you love him or you don't, Brian. When we made love, it wasn't me you made love to. It was Anthony. You were thinking of him, weren't you?"

"No."

"Don't lie to me, Brian. I can take anything but your lies."

"It's complicated Justin. I don't know how to explain it to you."

"Do you love him?"

"Until I met you, I never even knew love existed. Until you I thought I was uncapable of love."

"And now?"

"Is it possible to love two people and love them in completly different ways?"

"No. You have to decide who you want. Me or him? I won't be used any more and I won't let you hurt me. I love you. And if that means I have to let you go then I will. But you have to tell me the truth do you love him?"

"Yes," Brian said in barely a whisper before standing and heading upstairs to pack.


	2. Scattered Ashes

I sat there, alone, in the dark for two days. not sure exactly what I was feeIing. Anger, hatred, LOVE. All of the above. Empty. That one I felt for sure. When did it happen? When did he fall in love with that man and why didn't he love me enough to choose me?

Justin closed the journal and tossed it on the floor, a small letter slipping out unnoticed. He sat, head in hands, unable to cry, just as he had been for the last two days now. Two days since Brian had left. Two days since he lost the love of his life.

The knocking on the door was inisistent and loud when he finally heard it. 

"GO AWAY!"

"Justin, open this goddamn(ed) door now," Daphne demanded. When he made no effort to do as she ordered she turned her key and opened it herself. Looking around the darkened loft she searched for him. Finding him on a chair in a corner she went to him and wrapped him in her arms and finally he cried.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian woke alone and in a strange bed. Looking around it took him several minutes to remember where he was and why. He hadn't spoken to anyone, not Justin or Anthony since the night he left. He wondered how Justin was and second guessed his decision to leave. He loved Justin, he knew that for a fact, but what he felt for Anthony was just as strong and he couldn't deny it. Nor could he stay with Justin and hurt him even more later on down the road.

He fought back the tears that he'd been shedding for days now and finally got up the strength to shower and shave. Standing at the mirror he stared at the man facing him, this man with two days growth and swollen red eyes. This was the man he had become. 

He missed Justin. Picking up his cell he phoned the loft, hoping that Justin would answer and that he wouldn't at the same time. When Daphne picked up, a sob escaped him.

"Give him time," was all she said and he heard the man's sobs echoing through the loft. Skipping the shower he dressed hurriedly and drove frantically until he was standing outside of the home he had shared with Justin. His hand on the door he hesitated. 

He needed to see him, to tell him he loved him still and that he was sorry. He needed to tell him that he never meant to leave, that he wanted to come home. But something stopped him and just as he was about to turn away, the door slid open and he stood face to face with Justin.

They were in each other's arms in an instant, both crying and clinging to the other. Neither man spoke for what seemed like hours but was merely only minutes. Justin was the first to pull away and to speak.

"Why are you here, Brian?"

"I missed you."

"You chose to leave."

"I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you, Sunshine."

"Go away, Brian. Go away so that I at least have a shot at getting over you."

"I love you."

"But not enough." Justin turned to keep his former lover from seeing the tears that spilled over his lashes. "I can't do this, Brian. I can't see you and not be in love with you. I can't see you and not hurt. Please go away and leave me alone." Justin shut the door quietly behind him and Brian stood motionless outside what once was his life.

He was waiting for the elevator when Daphne appeared next to him. "Give him time, Brian. He's hurting right now. Maybe some day he can be your friend, but I wouldn't count on it any time soon."

"I'm sorry, Daph. I swear I never wanted to hurt him and I never meant for this to happen. Please tell him I'll always love him."

"I can't do that. It's not what he needs to hear. He needs to find the courage to go on without you. He needs to forget about you and move on. Stay away from him. Give him the time and space he needs. If you ever loved him, then you owe him that much."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian walked the five blocks to Michael's apartment and let himself in. He was sitting on Michael's couch when Ben came home an hour later. Shocked to find Brian there much less crying Ben was at a loss for words.

"Brian, are you ok?"

Brian only nodded and looked at the door waiting for his best friend to come home. Ben went to the kitchen and made Chamomile tea and brought out a steaming cup to Brian and sat next to him in silence for the next thirty minutes until Brian spoke.

"I left."

"Oh? Where'd you go?"

"To a hotel."

"Wait a minute, you left? As in left Justin?"

"Yeah."

"For good?"

"Looks like it."

"Why?"

"I had to."

"Back up, Brian. I thought that you loved Justin. I thought you two were on the right track for once, what happened?"

"Anthony happened."

"That Italian from when JR was born? You're still seeing him?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god, you're in love with him." Ben stared at Brian.

"I don't know."

"You left Justin for him. You ARE in love with him. What about Justin?"

"I went back. Right before I came here. I held him and we cried together. Then he told me he never wants to see me again. I can't blame him. If I could never see me again I would."

"Do you still love him?"

"I'll always love Justin."

"Then why?"

"I have to do this. I have to know."

"Know what, Brian? Know that you can love more than one person? Know that every man in the world wants you. Damnit, Brian, Justin loves you enough for the whole fucking world. So why break his heart?"

"I didn't mean to."

"But you did. I'm going to be honest with you here, Brian. You may have lost him for good this time. There's only so much his heart can take. Don't you remember what it was like when he left? Don't you remember the pain you went through? Imagine how Justin feels, what he's going through knowing that you're in love with someone else. YOU, the man who couldn't love anyone a year ago, now in love with him and someone else."

"I know how he feels, I've been there remember."

"Do you?" Ben watched Brian closely for any sign that he was having second thoughts about this move. "Do you remember how torn up you were when he left with Ethan? And you didn't even know how to feel. He does. He loves with everything he has Brian. And he feels pain just as strongly. He can't turn off his feelings, Brian. He's hurting and it's going to take him a long time to get over you if he ever does."

"I didn't mean for it to happen. I swear, I never intended to hurt him. God, Ben, I love him just as much as he loves me. Maybe more."

"Then why leave him? Go home now, before it's too late."

"It's already too late, Ben. I have to see this through. I have to know if I can be with Anthony and not let Justin get in the way."

"Do you honestly think that you can do that?"

"I don't know, but I have to try."

"Good luck." Ben watched as Brian left, a little sadder than he'd been when he'd come in and found him on the couch.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Daphne picked the journal up off of the counter and hesitated before flipping it open. She knew that she shouldn't read her best friend's most private thoughts but she had to figure out a way to help him. It had been two weeks since Brian left and Justin hadn't eaten, hadn't even left the loft and someone had to do something.

Tiptoeing back up the steps she made sure he was sleeping before settling down on the couch and reading her friend's inner torment.

HE'S GONE. BRIAN IS GONE. I can't help but think about him with that other man. How they touch, kiss, make love. I know I shouldn't think about it but I can't help it. I can see him lying there holding him, and running his hands through his hair, like he used to do with me.

WHY? WHY WHY WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY 

What's wrong with me? Am I not enough for Brian?

Daphne wipe away a stray tear and turned the page to the next entry.

It hurts a little less today. Or maybe I've just stopped feeling. I found one of his shirts on the floor of the closet and put it on. It still smells like him. Like Brian. I miss that.

Everything seems so empty here. His clothes are gone, like the closet never held Armani or Prada. He was such a label queen. There are no shoes by the door anymore. His toothbrush is gone too. I wish he'd left it, just so I had something of him to look at.

This loft is so lost without Brian. Everything here is his, including me. How am I supposed to move on? How am I supposed to just stop loving him?

"You don't," Daphne whispered to herself, shutting the journal and picking up the sketch pad that lay on the floor next to the couch. Flipping the pages, she saw many sketches of Brian. Brian sleeping, Brian smiling, Brian crying. That was one she never thought she would see and Justin had captured his soul so perfectly.

"I promise you that you will love again," she whispered to Justin. Glancing around the loft she knew what it would take to start the healing process for her best friend and grabbed the phone to call in the troops to help her convince him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin woke to the sound of laughter, something he hadn't heard in forever in the loft. Rubbing his eyes, he looked around to see if he had been dreaming and Brian was still here. Looking at the empty closet told him it was no dream, that he really was all alone now.

Slipping from the bed, he ran a hand through his hair and sniffed, smelling coffee and suddenly he was ravenous. 

Daphne and Emmett looked up from their perches at the counter and smiled at Justin. He looked like such a little boy standing at the top of the stairs, his hair disheveled and bare feet. Emmett stood and poured his friend a cup of coffee and handed to him as he slid onto a stool next to Daphne.

"Welcome to the land of the living, Sunshine."

"Um." was all he could muster.

Daphne slid a bowl of cereal in front of him and watched gleefully as he shoveled it in fast and furious.

"At least taste it, Justin," she scolded.

"Sowwy, I'm stawing."

"What the hell did he just say?" Emmett asked.

"He's starving." Daphne rolled her eyes as she repeated Justin words.

"When isn't he?"

All three turned to face Lindsay standing in the doorway. "Hey there kids, is this a teen party or can anyone join?"

"Come on in darlin'. But be warned we are discussing the male physique and we are being rather graphic."

"Well hell, I did sleep with men once upon a time."

"And how was it?"

Emmett wrapped his arms around Daphne and kissed her full on the mouth, trying to lighten the mood and they all laughed as she played like she was shocked by the gesture.

The group erupted in laughter, including Justin. After the laughter died down, Justin started to wonder why Em and Lindz were there and questioned Daphne.

"What's going on here?"

"You're moving."

Justin stared at the three of them in shock and began to shake his head. "I'm not going anywhere. This is my home and I'm staying right here until..." he let his words trail off into silence.

Lindsay moved over and put her arms around him and held him tight for a moment before speaking. "You can't wait here forever, Justin. You have to let go and you can't do that here."

"Besides," Emmett said moving in close, " I found us the most fantabulous apartment on Liberty Avenue. We can be the most fabulous gay men in Gay PA in a matter of minutes. So what do you say? Wanna move in with an old fairy?"

"I can't. What if he comes home and I'm not here?"

"He's not coming home, Justin."

"Yes he is, Daphne. He loves me. He said so. The night he left he told me that he loved me."

"That doesn't change the fact that he left. He's gone, it's time for you to move on. It's time for you to live your life again. Get out there, be a productive part of society again. Go back to school, date, have fun, be young."

"I can't."

"You CAN and you WILL." Daphne threw a gym bag at him and smiled. "Now get your hot little ass upstairs and pack some clothes. You and Emmett are going over to your new place and the rest of us will pack the rest of your stuff and bring it over."

"What about the loft?"

"Lindsay will set the alarm and leave a key with the super. Now quit arguing and get upstairs now."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Anthony dialed Brian's cellphone again and once again got his voicemail. He hadn't spoken to him in several days and was beginning to worry about him. "Brian, please call me back. I've left thirteen messages in two days. I'm starting to worry. I love you."

Brian sat in the hotel watching Live with Regis and Kelly and wishing that he could change the events of the last week. He hadn't been to work since the day he left and he looked a mess. He missed Justin and he missed the life that they had shared. 

He had searched his soul for days trying to figure out if this was what he really wanted and still had come to a conclusion. He loved Anthony, of this he was sure. But he wasn't convinced that he loved him more than Justin.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Anthony answered the phone on the first ring and was delirious to hear Brian's voice on the other end. "Oh my god, baby. I've been so worried about you. Noone knew where you were, not even Michael."

"You talked to Michael?" Brian interrupted.

"When you didn't return my calls, I looked his number up in the book and called him. He's just as worried as I am. Are you ok? Are you safe? Where are you?"

"I'm fine, you can call off the search party. I'm at a hotel across town. I needed some time to think."

"And did you?"

"Yeah. Look I'm at the Hilton, room 257. Just off of Main and Columbus."

"I'll be there before you know it."

Brian replaced the reciever and went to shower. Twenty minutes later he was clean and answering the door. Anthony looked good in his jeans and tee. Brian wanted to hold him and kiss him but knew that they needed to talk first.

Anthony held up a bag, smiling, "I brought coffee and sandwiches." He accepted the kiss that Brian offered and sat down on the edge of the bed, removing the food from the brown bag. Brian took the food that he offered and sat it on the nightstand. He moved to sit down next to Anthony. Before he knew it they were naked and in bed.

During the process his mind wandered to Justin and it was Justin he was with not Anthony. Justin invaded every thought and feeling he was having.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin sat in the dark on his first night in his new apartment and cried. Emmett brought him hot cocoa and waited for Justin to talk.

"How do I do this, Em?"

"You just do."

"And what if I can't?"

"You can. You're strong and you'll love again."

"How did you do it? When George died I mean? How did you learn to live again, love again?"

"I had my friends. I woke up everyday and tried to remind myself that he loved me and that he would want me to be happy. But, honey, Brian isn't dead. You're going to see him again eventually. And all those old feelings will come rushing back to smack you in the face and you're going to have to get past them and keep on living."

"How?"

"I don't know, honey but you have to."

"Was it hard to see Ted and Blake all the time?"

"At first it was, but it got easier. It even began to hurt less and less. But, Justin, Teddy wasn't the great love of my life. I mean I loved him, but not the way you love Brian, or even the way I loved Georgie."

"I'm so scared that I'll never get over him. How do I go on without him? He's all I know. I still love him, Emmett."

"And you always will. Nothing will ever change that. You just have to find something that gets you through the day."


	3. Scattered Ashes

Melanie cleaned up JR then put him down for his nap and was just about to catch a nap herself when the doorbell rang. Sighing deeply, she opened it to find Michael standing on the stoop with another toy for their son.

"Michael, you have to stop buying him things. He has enough toys already."

"But I love him, Mel." He kissed her cheek and headed up the stairs.

"I just put him down for a nap."

"Ok, I'll just sit and watch him then. You go get some sleep, you look horrible."

"Thanks so much."

"You're welcome."

"How's Brian?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen him in a while. He came by a few days after the break up but he talked to Ben. Anthony called and he hadn't heard from him either."

"Well that's a little strange, don't you think? I mean, he left Justin for this guy and doesn't even call him. Somethings not right here."

"You have no idea." Both turned to face Lindsay standing in the doorway, holding a newspaper under her arm.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Justin." Emmett had been calling him for a little over ten minutes now and the man still hadn't woken up. "JUSTIN GET OUT OF THAT DAMN BED OR I'M COMING IN AND DRAGGING YOU OUT."

"I'm up," Justin said sleepily from beneath the blankets. "What the fuck is so important that you had to wake me up this fucking early?"

"Early? Early? It's two in the fucking afternoon on a Wednesday. That is not early, it's pathetic."

Justin padded out rubbing his eyes and scratching his stomach. "Give me a break, Em. I'm going through a traumatic experience."

"Yeah, you haven't been fucked in weeks. Get your ass in the shower, we're going to the diner then to the park and you are going to paint and be happy or I'll kill you."

"Can't a person get a little sympathy around here?"

"No. It's been long enough. You've had plenty of time to feel sorry for yourself. Now it's time to get out there and show Brian Kinney just what he gave up."

Emmett tossed Justin a pair of pants and shirt and watched him stumble off to shower. Emmett mumbled to himself as he set about making coffee for his friend.

"Damn kid. Worse than Teddy. Fucking thinks the world is going to end just because Brian left. Well fuck Brian Kinney. Ok not a good idea, but shit he is not the only person that ever wanted to be with Justin. And tonight that kid is going to fuck Brian right out of his memory."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian stood and kissed Lindsay on the cheek before they both sat back down at the best table at Nouveau, the hot new restaurant in town. He took a long drink of wine before looking at his best friend.

"So how's Anthony?"

"He's good, thanks."

"And how are you?"

"I'm ok. How about you?"

"Fine. Care to tell me why it is you wanted to meet me today?"

"No reason."

"You never were good at lying to me, Bri. Spill it."

"How is he? "

"Hurt, scared, destroyed. Is that what you wanted to hear, Brian? Does that make it easier for you?"

Brian fought back the tears that threatened to fall. "Not really."

"Is that regret I see on your face? Could it be that Brian Kinney really did love someone?"

"Stop it, Lindz. I can't take it. I can't take you telling me how much of a bastard I am, especially not when I'm doing a good enough job of beating myself up."

"He loved you, Brian. No, he still loves you. He's hurting so bad. He doesn't understand why you just left him like that. How could you do that to him?"

"I ask myself that every second of every day. I loved him too. Hell I still love him."

"And what about Anthony? Do you love him?"

"Yes, I do love him. He's a good man."

"But do you love him like you love Justin?"

"I can't answer that, Lindz."

"Why? Are you afraid of the truth? Are you afraid you'll reallize you made a mistake?"

"It's too late, Lindsay. I've ruined any chance of ever having Justin love me again."

"He will always love you, Brian. Nothing and noone will ever change that for either of you. Sooner of later you'll find your way back to one another."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Vic, I can't believe that those two are not together anymore."

"I know sis, it's just not right."

Debbie took another bite of the chocolate cake that Vic had baked the day before. "They belong together. Poor Sunshine."

"Does Brian even know what he did to that kid?"

"Yeah he does, Uncle Vic." 

Debbie and Vic turned at the sound of Michael's voice and watched him shed his coat before continuing.

"But does he care, sweetheart?"

"Look, Ma, Brian's hurting too. He loves Justin a lot."

"He brought the hurt on himself again this time. As for loving Justin, I used to believe that, but I'm not so sure anymore."

"He told him, Ma."

"What?!?" both Vic and Debbie asked in unison.

"He finally told Justn that he loves him. I never thought I would hear myself saying this, but, Brian may have made the biggest mistake of his life leaving Justin. He'll never have that kind of love with Anthony or anyone else. Only Justin could love Brian the way that he needs to be loved."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I wonder what happened?"

"Who stole his heart?"

"Did he ever have a heart?"

Justin did his best to ignore the gossip surrounding him and Brian. He had tried his best to get out of coming to Babylon, but Emmett had insisted. Now he regreted it just like he knew he would. He was about to leave when he looked up from his perch on the catwalk to find Brian saunter in. He was alone and Justin felt his heart race at the sight of him.

Brian wore jeans and a black tee with his Prada boots. To Justin he looked irresistable. Justin watched him cross the bar and order a beer, taking a sip of it before making his way back through the crowd towards the backroom. Without thinking Justin followed and stayed in the shadows watching Brian study the men around him. As usual they were all vying for a chance to blow the hottest man on Liberty Avenue.

Brian felt his presence before he even saw him. He looked around, pretending to observe the men and saw him duck into a dark corner. He hadn't expected to see Justin. He wasn't sure his heart could handle being this close to the man without taking him in his arms.


	4. Scattered Ashes

Anthony had wanted Brian from the moment he first laid eyes on him. They'd hit it off that night in the hospital and had spent countless lunch hours talking and laughing, even though Brian had made it clear from the beginning that he was in a relationship. 

Anthony found himself falling in love with Brian after only a few weeks and longed to tell him. Only he was afraid that Brian didn't feel the same and didn't want to risk losing him this early on. So he waited and did everything he could think of to make the man fall in love with him as well.

They had become close friends over those lunches and Anthony wanted to take it further but wasn't sure if he should. Then one night, Justin was having dinner with his friend and Anthony and Brian went to Woody's for a beer. After several games of pool and a few too many drinks they walked down Liberty Avenue hand in hand, enjoying the first snow of the year. Just as they made it to Anthony's car Brian leaned in and kissed him. 

It started out soft and gentle but quickly turned passionate. Before either knew what was happening things started getting carried away. In his alcohol hazed mind Brian knew he had to stop before it went too far. At the feel of Anthony's hand on his waistband, he pulled back and walked away, leaving Anthony confused and hard.

Brian walked home hoping the cold air would clear his head. He had never agreed to not trick but he hadn't in months, not since Justin had come home . Up until Anthony he had never even thought of being with anyone other than his partner. He knew that he loved Justin, even if he couldn't say the words aloud.

Justin was the one person he could count on and now he wasn't so sure he deserved him. Letting himself into the empty loft he made a decision to not tell Justin about the kiss. He rationalized it by convincing himself that he didn't want to hurt Justin over nothing. The kiss hadn't meant anything, nothing at all. So why was it that he couldn't get it out of his mind.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian hadn't spoken to Anthony since that night. He'd decided that he had to stop this thing that was happening between them before it got out of hand. He didn't want to hurt Justin.

Anthony had other plans. He wasn't giving up on Brian without a fight. He gave him a few days and then called.

"Hi, Brian."

"Anthony, I was just thinking about calling you."

"It must be a sign or something."

"We need to talk. Can you get away for lunch?"

"Sure, Brian. Shall I meet you there or at the restaurant?"

"Meet me at Gino's on the corner of Rush and Highland at one."

"See you then."

An hour later Brian was sitting nursing a beer when he spotted Anthony across the room. His heart raced and his hands were sweaty. He felt like a teenager on a first date. Anthony slid into the chair across from him and smiled. After they ordered Brian tried his best to end their friendship.

"Look, Anthony, we have to stop this."

"Stop what, Brian? We aren't doing anything other than having lunch. Friends do that all the time."

"You and I both know that this has grown into something more than friendship. I don't want to hurt Justin and I don't want to hurt you either, but if one of you has to get hurt, then it has to be you."

"You aren't being fair, Brian. Nothing has happened between us. How can that hurt Justin?"

"Something has happened."

"You're right, I've fallen in love with you."

"Anthony don't. I can't handle this."

"I can't stop how I feel, Brian. I love you. I want to be with you."

"I'm involved with someone else. I love him, Anthony. I love Justin and I won't hurt him."

"But you are hurting him by lying to him. Did you tell him about the kiss the other night?"

Brian shook his head silently.

"I didn't think so. Why didn't you?"

"I didn't want to hurt him."

"So you lied to him?"

"No, I just didn't tell him."

"Are you going to tell him about this?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to tell him, Brian,or do you want to keep this our special secret?"

"Stop, Anthony."

"Stop what? Stop loving you? Impossible."

Brian stood and left the restaurant and a stunned Anthony staring after him. Driving back to the office he called Justin's cell waiting impatiently for him to answer.

"Hello?"

"Justin, can you meet me at the loft in ten minutes?"

"Is something wrong, Brian?"

"Yes, can you be there in ten?"

"Of course."

Brian hung up without a goodbye and Justin began to franticaly worry about what would cause Brian to leave work this early in the day.

Justin ran into the loft worried that something awful had happened only to find Brian standing naked waiting rather impatiently for his lover. Forgetting how worried he'd been only minutes before, Justn dropped his coat and melted into Brian's arms.

The kiss startd slow, building in intensity as Brian's hands roamed Justin body, removing clothing as he went. When Justin was down to his briefs, Brian broke the kiss. Panting he looked down at his young lover and smiled.

"I am so damn glad I convinced you to wear button down shirts once in a while."

"Me too. Now shut up and finish what you started old man."

Brian laughed and threw Justin over his shoulder, spanking him hard on the ass as he carried him up the steps to the bedroom. He playfully dropped him on the bed and pulled at the gray briefs the younger man still wore.

His cock finally free, Brian pulled him to the edge of the bed and knelt down before his lover. Taking the thick member into his mouth he ran his tongue over the head, teasing Justin. The moan that escaped his lips told Brian that Justin was enjoying every second.

Running his tongue up and down Justin's shaft, he listened for the sounds that signaled that the man was getting close. He brought a hand up to massage his lover's balls as he continued to suck and lick his cock. He could taste the precum and licked at like a kitten licking cream.

Justin pulled Brian by the hair up to kiss him. He stroked his cock using Brian's own pre-cum as lubrication. Brian knew that he was close and reached down stopping Justin's movements before it was too late.

Justin searched for a condom and rolled it down his lover's hard cock, stroking him once again as he did. "Now," he whispered.

"Always," was Brian's only response. It was something that they had said to one another since the first night they made love, the night he took Justin home to teach him to be touched again after the bashing.

That one word meant the world to Justin. He knew that it was Brian's way of letting his feelings show. It had never been easy for Brian to let Justin in and with that one word, he opened the door to his heart and Justin slid in.

Justin held tight to his partner as Brian thrust slowly into him, trying to savor the moment. He loved how it felt to be with Justin, how warm he was and how he held him close. Even though he could never say the words, he felt them. He loved Justin deeply. With each thrust he felt closer than ever to the man beneath him.

Falling back onto the bed, completely satiated, Brian pulled Justin close and both men fell asleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin woke an hour later and jumped from the bed when he saw the time. The coldness that replaced Justin brought Brian's eyes open.

"Where are you going?"

"I fucking forgot I was supposed to help Michael at the store today."

"So call him and tell him your stuck in a class or something."

"I can't Brian. Michael is taking Ben in for his physical today."

"Oh, well you better hurry."

Justin bent and kissed Brian as he buttoned his shirt. "Will you be here later?"

"Yeah. I'll order in. See you around eight?"

"Make it eight-thirty and you got a date. Oh, and please, no Thai."

"But," Brian stammered.

"Bye."

"Hey, Justin."

Justin turned back, waiting impatiently for the other man to talk. 

"Later." He was rewarded with a sunshine smile and then he was gone. 

Two hours later Brian was sitting at his computer trying to work on a new ad campain when the intercom buzzed. Running a hand through his still damp hair, he buzzed the door open. He had been expecting a messenger with a file he needed and opened the door a crack so that he could get back to work.

Anthony stepped in and looked around the room for Brian. His eyes stopped on the messy bed and could smell the sex still in the air. His heart stopped and he looked over to see a very happy Brian sitting at his desk.

"Just put the file on the counter and there's a tip there for you too."

Anthony's voice cracked as he responded. "You fucked him."

Brian's head jerked up and his heart broke at the tears that fell from the beautiful dark eyes. "Anthony, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I called your office and when Cynthia said you hadn't come back I thought maybe something was wrong so I came over right away."

"You shouldn't have done that. What if Justin had been here?"

"Yeah, what if?"

"Damnit, Anthony, he's my boyfriend."

"So you keep reminding me."

"I love him."

"And what about me?"

"I told you Anthony, I love Justin."

Anthony closed the gap between them and took Brian into his arms staring up into his eyes, searching for any sign that Brian wanted him to stop. Seeing none he pulled the other man into a kiss that rocked his soul. Brian's mind was reeling from the emotions that he felt for Anthony. He knew it wasn't right to do this here in the home he shared with Justin. He pushed away from Anthony and stepped out of his embrace.

"I can't do this, not here."

"Not here, or not at all Brian?"

"Stop, Anthony. This can't happen, I won't hurt Justin."

"I'm not asking you to. All I'm asking is for you to deny that you have feelings for me. Can you do that Brian?"

"Don't make me choose, Anthony. You will regret the answer."

"Just tell me that you don't feel the same things I do when we kiss and I'll leave you alone."

"I can't do that."

"Because you don't want to hurt my feelings or because you feel it too?"

"Yes, I feel it too. Is that what you want? Someone is going to get hurt here, Anthony. I don't want to hurt either of you."

"As long as you love me I could never be hurt by you, Brian."

"Even if I can't freely give you what you want? Even if I can't act on my feelings?"

Anthony's answer was another kiss before leaving Brian dazed and confused in the middle of the loft.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin was busy with a customer in the store and didn't see the other man watching him through the window. Emmett happened to be walking by and noticed the dark Italian staring intently at Justin.

"Beautiful isn't he?" Emmett said into the other man's ear. "Too bad he's happily in love."

"Yeah, it sure is," Anthony agreed and turned back down Liberty Avenue.

Justin looked up at the sound of the bell and smiled radiantly up at Emmett. They had grown close the last few months and he enjoyed Emmett's company.

"Hey Em, what brings you to Comic Hell?"

"Just my favorite blond." Emmett pressed a light kiss to Justin's lips before continuing. "How are things going? Any word from Ben and Michael?"

"Not a word. I'm glad you're here, there have been some strange birds in here today."

"Well I just saw a beautiful man staring at you through the window. He seemed rather sad that you are happily in love."

"Which you just had to share, right?"

"Well when you're in love with Brian Kinney and you look like you do, it's best to keep the sharks at bay." Justin's laughter filled the store. "Speaking of your 'boyfriend', how is he these days?"

"He's great, considering he turns 32 in a few days. I think he's starting to get a little of that craziness that comes with Brian and birthdays."

"Why what happened?"

"He called me out of the blue today and asked me to meet him at home for no reason. Of course I rushed right there thinking that something was horribly wrong and I walk in to find him naked with a hard on."

"Sounds like my kinda problem. So tell me all the horny details. Did you two make love all afternoon or did you fuck like rabbits?"

"I am not sharing details of my sex life with Brian with anyone. Especially you, Ms. Gossip Queen."

"Well excuse me for liking to stay abreast of all the latest news."

Emmett smiled at Justin's laughter once again and sat down behind the counter and flipped through the package of photos lying next to the computer. Holding up one of Justin and Brian at the GLC benefit dinner a few weeks ago, he asked Justin about it.

"Why do you have these here?"

"I was trying to find just the right one to frame for Brian's birthday."

"I like this one. It just screams love."

Justin took the picture and studied it. It was one of the happier moments they had shared that night. Brian had been whispering to him just before it was taken. He could still hear those words. 

"Let's get outta here," Brian had whispered.

"Do you have another pressing engagement?" he'd teased back.

"Very pressing."

It was at that moment that Debbie had decided she had to have a picture. Just before turning toward the camera Brian had kissed him and softly and said in his ear, "Now and Always Sunshine".

"That must be some memory," Emmett said breaking through Justin's thoughts.

"You have no idea, Em."

"I think I do, sweetie, I think I do."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian sat on the couch with the bottle of Beam unopened on the coffee table. He loved Justin, he knew that without a shadow of a doubt, but his feelings for Anthony were growing stronger by the minute. Everytime he was with him he wanted to touch him, kiss him, fuck him. Brian tried to clear his head of Anthony but found that he couldn't.

Anthony was a combination of him and Justin. He was beautiful with a heart of gold, artistic with a flair for fashion and most importantly he wanted Brian as much as Justin did.

Brian was still sitting there when Justin came home. "Hey baby, why are you sitting here in the dark?"

"What?"

Justin looked from his lover to the bottle of bourbon on the table and got worried. "Have you been drinking?"

"No."

"Brian, what's wrong? Did something happen? Did you lose a client or something?"

"Nothing's wrong, Justin."

"Oh wait, I know. It's your birthday right? You're starting to freak out again right? You think that you'll be older and I'll find some hot young stud to take your place. Is that it?"

Brian didn't answer.

"I thought so. I think I may have something to cheer you up." Justin ran up the stairs and pulled his small wooden box out from under the bed and took out a beautifully wrapped gift box. Taking it back down to Brian he kissed his cheek before giving it to him.

Brian opened the box slowly and sat staring at the necklace for a long time before Justin came over and took it out of the box. He turned over the pendant and showed Brian the inscription.

"Always."

"It's beautiful, Justin. Where did you find it? I love the sun encased in the heart."

"I was at the store the other day and saw it and it made me think of how you always call me Sunshine and that I was a part of your heart and it just seemed perfect."

Brian pulled Justin to him and held him tight until all the fears he had disappeared, at least for a few hours.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian knocked softly on Anthony's door, not quite sure why he was even there. He should be home getting ready for his dinner with Justin. Instead here he was standing outside the door of a man that could spell disaster for him and Justin.

Anthony opened his door, shocked to find Brian there but happy that he was. He stepped aside to let the other man in but Brian shook his head.

"We need to talk ."

"Well come in and I'll fix you a drink and we can talk as long as you want."

"No. I have to say this now. I can't see you anymore, Anthony."

"What are you talking about, Brian?"

"I can't see you, talk to you, even think about you anymore. I can't, no I won't hurt Justin anymore. I love him."

"So you keep reminding me. Answer me this though, Brian, if you love him so much then why are you here telling me this? You could have just refused my calls or had security throw me out on my ass if I showed up at your firm, so why drive all the way over here and tell me that you can't see me?"

"Stop it, Anthony. Don't make this harder than it already is." Brian turned to leave but stopped at the feel of the other man's hand on his arm.

"Brian, I know you love him. God you've told me it time and again, but have you told him that you love me? Have you even admitted it to yourself? My God, Brian, we've spent so much time together and you've held me in your arms. I know that you love me ,Brian. I feel it when you kiss me. Can you tell me that you don't feel it too?"

"Anthony, I have to stop this. I'm hurting him and he doesn't even know it."

"Then stop hurting him and tell him the truth. Tell him that you've fallen in love with me and that you have to leave. It isn't that hard, Brian."

"I've been where he is and I won't make him feel that way."

"But you're already hurting him by lying to him and to yourself. Quit fighting me Brian. Let yourself feel. I love you, Brian. I've been in love with you for weeks now."

"Stop. I have to go, Justin's waiting."

"So am I when you're ready."


	5. Scattered Ashes

Brian watched as Justin tore out of the club and waited a few minutes before leaving himself. He hadn't seen him in weeks and with just one glance he knew that he had to comfort him somehow. He knew instinctivly where Justin would head and pulled the Corvette out of its space and made the right turn onto Tremont. Pulling up in front of his old building he felt the emptiness and pain take hold of his heart again knowing that just up those stairs stood his past, a past he had thrown away and might never get back.

Setting the alarm on the car he punched in the security code and took the stairs wanting to get to Justin as quickly as possible. He heard the music by the time he hit the fourth floor and knew that Justin was on the edge. 

Brian stood just outside the door listening to the final strains of 'Novemeber Rain' by Guns N Roses. Justin had had a mad crush on Axl Rose for years and this had become the song he listened to most after the bashing. The words hit home for both of them and he found himself standing in the hallway outside of the home he once shared with Justin crying.

Brian pulled the door open and found his lover sitting on the floor with his head in his lap crying. He could handle anything but Justin crying tonight. For one night he had to give him hope, something to hold on to.

Crossing the room he skipped the CD back to track 4 on the CD player and the first strains of 'Don't Cry' brought Justin's eyes up to his. As the words began to fill the loft Brian pulled Justin to his feet and held him close, trying to chase the pain away.

Talk to me softly  
There's something in your eyes  
Don't hang your head in sorrow  
And please don't cry  
I know how you feel inside   
I've been there before  
Somethin's changin' inside you baby  
And don't you know

Don't you cry tonight  
I still love you  
Don't you cry tonight  
Don't you cry tonight  
There's a heaven above you baby  
And don't you cry tonight

Give me a whisper  
And give me a sigh  
Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye  
Don't you take it so hard now  
And please don't take it so bad  
I'll still be thinking of you  
And the times we had ... baby

And don't you cry tonight  
Don't you cry tomight  
Don't you cry tonight  
There's a heaven above you baby  
And don't you cry tonight

And please remember that I never lied  
And please remember  
How I felt inside now honey  
You gotta make it your own way  
But you'll be alright now sugar  
You'll feel better tomorrow  
Come the morning light now baby

And don't you cry tonight  
An don't you cry tonight  
An don't you cry tonight  
There's a heaven above you baby

And don't you cry  
Don't you ever cry  
Don't you cry tonight  
Baby maybe someday  
Don't you cry  
Don't you ever cry  
Don't you cry  
Tonight

 

Justin clung to Brian, clung to the love they once shared and to the hope that someday they would find a way to be together once again. The words tore at his heart and he could see in Brian's eyes that he felt the same. This was their goodbye and neither of them knew for how long.

Brian bent and captured Justin's lips in a kiss, pressing deep into the warm recesses of Justin's mouth. Their tongues danced in unison as they explored the passion they still held. Brian's hands wove themselves through Justin's hair, desperate for something to hold onto.

A low moan escaped Justin and was swallowed by the kiss that neither wanted to break. Justin's hands fumbled with the button of Brian's pants and pulled at the zipper trying to be closer to him.

Brian pulled at the shirt that Justin wore, longing to feel the heat of his skin against his. They broke the kiss long enough to pull of their remaining clothing and then were back together as if the other man was a lifeline.

They sank to the floor, hands caressing bodies, mouths hungrily devouring mouths, bodies pressed tightly together. Brian sought out Justin's cock and stroked him softly, gently adding pressure and speed until the blond beneath him cried out for release. Brian spit into his own hand and lubricated himself enough to press deep inside of his one true love.

They were one again and it felt like heaven to them both. Moving together they each sought comfort and love, giving as much as they recieved. When they both were spent they lay together on the cold hardwood floor trying to catch their breath.

Brian looked over to see a single tear slide down Justin's cheek. Justin pushed himself up from the floor and dressed quietly. Turning to Brian his heart broke as he watched the tears fall from his ex-lover's eyes.

"Always, Brian."

"Yeah, always, baby."

Justin turned and left his past behind determined to move on with his life.


	6. Scattered Ashes

Emmett heard Justin come in and was dying to hear how his night of forgetting Brian had gone. Throwing on his robe he padded out to the kitchen, grabbed a pint of Ben and Jerry's and plopped down on the sofa next to his favorite blond.

"So, tell me everything. How was the action at Babylon tonight?"

Justin looked up with sad eyes and Emmett's heart almost stopped. "The hottest it's ever been, you should've been there."

"Justin, what happened?"

"Brian."

"Oh no, honey, tell me you didn't. Please tell me that you did not use Brian Kinney to fuck his memory away."

"It wasn't like that, Em."

"Justin. Oh, Justin. Honey, you're playing with fire here and fuck, baby, you're gonna get burned again."

"It wasn't like that, Em. It was different."

"Justin, honey, I think you need to see a shrink."

"I don't need a damn shrink. Do you want to hear or not?"

"Of course I do." Emmett took another spoonful of ice cream and handed the carton to his roommate. He watched Justin closely and could almost feel the peace that had settled over the younger man.

"I was standing there watching the boys dance and I could just feel him, you know? I looked up to find him staring at me and I turned away. When I looked back he was gone. I knew exactly where to find him, so I went after him."

"Why do you do this to yourself?"

"I had to say goodbye. I needed to, fuck, I don't know what I needed or why I did it but I did and I'm glad." He handed the carton of Chubby Hubby back to Emmett and took a deep breath. "He was so, so, Brian. It was like before. He was on the prowl and I was desperate to be the one he chose."

"Oh, Justin."

"I saw him in the backroom and I couldn't bear the thought of seeing him with someone else so I left. I went to the loft." Justin was aware of the questions that Emmett was dying to ask and tried to answer them as he continued. "I just needed to be close to us, to when we were happy. There are so many ghosts there. I walked around just remembering what it was like to be loved by Brian. My God, Em, it's the best feeling in the world, just knowing that he loves you."

Justin took a deep breath and stole the spoon of ice cream away from Emmett trying to calm his emotions before continuing.

"I went over to the bookcase and flipped through pages of his favorite books. I picked up one I had seen him hold a million times. As I read the first few lines of 'Huck Finn' I thought about how he must have used that book as an escape from Jack. That was his childhood. I felt closer to him than I ever have before, Em. Putting the book down I picked up the framed picture of us at the GLC. His smile made me melt. The way he seemed so happy. Where did it all go?"

Emmett put his arms around Justin trying to offer support and comfort at the same time. There were so many things he wanted to say but knew that Justin just needed to go at his own pace.

"I turned on the stereo and put in November Rain. I really listened to the words, you know. I listened to Axl singing about lost love, about how sometimes you just have to say goodbye and be on your own. It really hit home. I mean(,) here I was all alone in the house I used to share with my lover and I had never felt closer to him. I sat down on the floor, right in the spot where we used to make love if we just couldn't take the time to make it upstairs. I sat there and cried and cried. I cried for him, for me, for us."

Emmett wiped at the tears that were threatening to fall from his own eyes and held Justin's hand.

"Sitting there just listenig to those words gave me hope. I never heard him come in. I didn't even know he was there until the song changed. All the words he could never say were right there being said. When he took my hand, I knew. I knew it was goodbye. I knew it had to be this way. I knew I had to let him go. I had to give him the chance to spread his wings and soar."

"Finally," Emmett said under his breath.

"When he kissed me, it was different somehow. It wasn't us. I think we both just needed one last memory to hold onto before it was too late. We didn't speak, we just clung to one another. We became the music and we just felt the love we had for one another. It was so beautiful, Em. We made love to each other and when it was over it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. He kissed me one last time and I left."

"Oh, baby, that was so beautiful."

"It was, Em, it really was. Just to be able to share that with him, to be a part of him was enough to last me a lifetime. Seeing him standing there in that loft tonight, I knew that it was time to let go. When I walked out of there I left that part of my life behind me and opened a new door."

"I'm glad that you had that moment with him, Justin. I just worry that now he'll think he can just come crawling back whenever he wants and you'll just come running."

"That won't happen, Em. He won't be back, not for a long time, if ever."

"And are you alright with that?"

"Brian's the greatest love of my life. He'll always be a part of me and who I am but it's over and I have to move on."

"We're all here for you, Justin."

"I know, Em, thanks, but this is something I have to do on my own. It's high time I stand on my own two feet and prove to myself that I can live without being BrianandJustin."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Anthony watched his lover come in the door and knew that something was off. He stared after him as he went from the bathroom to the kitchen and finally settled on the couch flipping through tv channels as if he didn't even see what was on. Anthony's heart sunk when he sat next to him and could smell Justin on him.

"You could've at least showered."

"Don't fucking start."

"Oh, I see, it' s ok for you to go off and fuck your little twink but it isn't ok for your boyfriend to get upset."

"Fuck you. It wasn't like that."

"Then how was it, Brian? Did your dick just slip and wind up in his ass?"

"No, are you sure you want to talk about this, Anthony? It could get messy and you may not like what I have to say."

"It(')s already messy. It got messy the second you fucked that little blond bitch."

Brian stood, anger blazing in his eyes and calmly warned his lover, "Don't you ever talk about him like that again. Do you hear me? Never again."

"Fuck you, Brian. I can't believe you. The whole time we were seeing each other you wouldn't dare fuck me because you didn't want to hurt Justin. Now it's okay to fuck around? Is it just okay to hurt me?"

'"That's not what I meant at all. Look I told you about Justin."

"Yeah, I know. He's the one who taught you how to love. He's the bravest, strongest man you know." Anthony paused to control the tears he felt just behind his eyes. "AND I WILL NEVER BE HIM."

Brian sat staring angrily at his lover(,) hearing the words that he was shouting was hard for him. They were hard becuase he had been thinking the same thing for weeks now.

"Why'd you leave him, Brian?"

"Because of you."

"Don't give me that bullshit. I had to fight you for weeks just to get you to admit you had feelings for me. Was that just a lie? Are you using me to make it easier to let him go?"

"No. I'm not using you. I care about you, Anthony. I left Justin because it wasn't fair to him that I had feelings for you and because you begged me to."

"If I hadn't begged you, would ever have left him?"

"No," Brian said, the word barely audible.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Cynthia was sitting at her desk sipping coffee when Brian strolled in looking like a dead rat. She could only remember one other time that he had looked this bad. The weeks after the bashing, when he thought Justin was gone forever, were hell on all of them, but especially Brian. He had come to work the very next day and she could see the blood stains still on his hands like he was afraid to wash them off. She'd just sat in his office with him, afraid to let him be alone.

She knew just how much he loved that damn kid and there was no way she would let him face this by himself. As much as he tried to hide it, she knew that deep down he would die if he lost Justin for good.

And now, he had the same empty look in his eyes, the same aura of sadness surrounding him. Picking up her coffee cup and his she followed him into his sanctuary.

"Morning, boss."

"Morning, Cyn. Is that coffee?"

"As always."

"Somethings never change." Taking a sip of the strong liquid he smiled up at her. "Everytime I taste your coffee I'm so happy that I brought you along when I started this agency."

"Yeah, well you look like shit today. Rough night?"

"You could say that."

"Let me take a wild guess here. He's about my height, blond, stunningly beautiful with sapphire eyes that can see into your very soul. Am I close?"

"I think you got it."

"What happened?"

"We said our final goodbye."

"You don't really believe that do you, Brian? It will never be over between you two. You may not be together but you'll never be apart. You're connected, you're meant to be."

"Not anymore, Cyn. I left remember?"

"And he left once before too, but that didn't last and this won't either. I see the way you look when you talk about him and how you smile when you look at the picture of him on your desk. You still love him and you'll never stop."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin was standing at the counter of the diner when Ben came in for lunch. "Hey Professor, eating alone today?"

"Not if you'll join me."

"I'd love to." Justin slid into the booth across from his friend and smiled thankfully up at him. "I wasn't thrilled about eating all alone today."

"It's hard huh?"

"To get used to being alone again? Yeah, but the hardest part is waking up everyday knowing that I won't see him."

"I can only imagine, Justin."

"Sometimes I feel dead inside without him."

"You're strong, you'll be ok."

They were interrupted by a handsome man, "Professor Bruckner, can I speak with you for just a moment?"

"Sure, Noah, please sit down." He waited for the young man to slid in next to Justin and made the introductions. "Noah Hill, this is Justin Taylor. Justin, this is Noah, one of my student teachers this semester."

"You're the artist for Rage, right?"

"Yeah, I am."

"And he's a good friend of mine. I was just about to ask him to come to class and talk about his work on the bashing issue of Rage."

Noah turned to face Justin and for a moment Justin's heart stopped beating as he stared into the other man's green eyes. "Oh man, that's a great idea. I've heard the rumors that it really happened, is that true?"

"Yes, it did."

"Wow, that poor kid. Did you know him? Is that how you came up with the idea for the storyline?"

"You could say that." Justin was hesitant about confessing that he was the victim and art was imitating life.

"I'd love to meet him sometime. I'd like to talk to him about how he felt after and now."

"I don't think he talks about it much," Ben interjected.

"Yeah, it's hard to talk about but I know how he feels. Wow, this is wierd but I was bashed too in high school."

"You were?" Justin felt a strange connection with Noah now and had to know more before he shared his story.

"Yeah, I was sixteen and the captain of the baseball team found out I was gay. One night I was walking home from a drama practice and out of nowhere this car just came at me. I tried to jump out of the way be he swerved just in time to pin me against a fence. I thought I was dead."

"Oh my God, Noah, I had no idea."

"Well it's not something I go around bragging about, you know?"

"Noah, I think I can arrange a meeting between you two. Could you meet him tonight at the coffee shop on Main?"

"Is seven ok?"

"I'm sure I can convince him." Justin took another sip of his soda and motioned for Noah to let him out. "I have to get back to the store. We put the next issue to bed tomorrow and I have a few scenes still left to draw."

The three men exchanged goodbyes and Noah gave Justin his cell number as he was leaving. Justin left the diner with a feeling that things were starting to turn around.


	7. Scattered Ashes

"He met someone."

Michael looked up at Emmett in confusion. "Who?"

"Justin. He met someone today, I can tell."

"Yeah he met Ben's student teacher at lunch but Ben just said they seemed to hit it off okay."

"Well, they hit it off more than okay, cause I just left a very nervous blond back at Casa de Queer. He was throwing all of his clothes out on the bed trying to decide what to wear."

"Really? Maybe he's going out with Daphne or dinner with his mom."

"No honey, this was 'I found me a hot piece of ass nervousness' not 'I'm going to dinner with mommy and want to look my best'. He's got a date."

"But him and Brian just broke up."

"Um, honey that was two months ago and in case you forgot Brian has a new boyfriend."

"But I just always thought that they would get back together. If Justin has a new boyfriend too, where does that leave them?"

"It leaves them right where they already are, APART. It was Brian's decision to leave, not Justin's. It's high time that boy got out and had some fun. I haven't seen him smile like this in far too long."

"I guess you're right, but it doesn't seem right."

"What?"

"Them not together."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Hi, Justin." Noah sat down across from him at the small table near the front of the cafe and looked around. "Is your friend coming?"

"He's already here."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it's me, Noah."

"You're 'JT'? Oh man I should've put it together. JT, Justin Taylor. Wow, I can be so dense sometimes."

"I hope you aren't mad."

"Mad? Are you kidding? I came here thinking I was going to find someone who knew how I felt and I find you. Man, I have to tell you, I was dying to ask you out today at the diner but I wasn't sure if I should."

"Well I'm glad I showed up then. I'm sorry about today. I'm just not used to talking about that time. Noone wants to talk about it, they all act like I should just move on."

"Yeah, I got the same thing. What they don't know is that even now I wake up sweating because I could feel it all over again. Somedays I'm walking down the street and I hear a car approaching and I just freeze. It's like I just can't move."

"Yeah, somedays I wake up and it's dark and I feel trapped. Like when I was in the coma, I can hear everything but I just can't get out. It's like being lost in a maze that you just can't navigate."

"Yes, it really is. How long were you in the coma?"

"Four weeks."

"Mine lasted three months. Then I had to learn how to walk all over again. I don't remember much about the actual accident, just the sound of the car. Do you remember anything at all?"

"I don't remember the important things, but I remember my boyfriend screaming my name right before that asshole hit me. I can even see the bat when I close my eyes. I can't remember anything right before that or right after."

"That must be hard on your boyfriend to live with those memories. How did he deal with it?"

"Amazingly he's the one that helped me remember what I did. I don't know how he dealt with it. He never came to see me in the hospital afterwards."

"That must've been rough."

"For him more than me I think. It doesn't really matter now, I guess, since we aren't together anymore." At the questioning look that Noah shot him, Justin laughed. "Long story. Let's just say he had a change of heart."

"Well then he's a fool. Any man who would leave you is just plain dumb. You're beautiful and brave and sweet."

"Thanks, Noah. One of these days I may even believe you."

***********************************************************************************

Emmett was sitting on the couch trying not to look like he was waiting for Justin to come home when Justin walked in smiling. His heart flipped to see him smile like that. It had been far too long for this boy to be without happiness.

"How was your coffee date?"

"Good, thanks. What did you do all day?"

"Oh sat here and caught up on my film appreciation."

Justin picked up the DVD box that was laying on the table and laughed out loud at his roommates 'classic' film. "Since when is 'Better Gay Sex' a classic?"

"Since being gay became cool, Sunshine."

"Oh, so now we're cool. Will wonders never cease?"

"Just you go on and tease, but one of these days there will be so many of us queens out of the closet that the straights will be the minority. Then let's see who gets to have more fun."

"Em, thanks."

"For what?"

"Just being you and never letting me forget who I am."

"Oh it's my pleasure, baby." Emmett kissed his cheek and they both sat back to watch Emmett's favorite real world tv show, FRIENDS.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Anthony set the plate of food in front of his boyfriend and watched as he pushed it away. Sighing, he got up and went to the bedroom alone. Letting his anger take control he went back out to confront Brian.

"Damnit, Brian, I'm sick of the silent treatment. When is this going to be over?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"This fucking hissy fit you've been in for days now. My god you'd think you were still his lover."

"Maybe I should be."

"Fine, if that's what you want, far be it for me to stand in your way. I thought we had something special here, something real."

"Yeah, well you think too goddamn much. Leave me the fuck alone, Anthony."

"No, I won't let you shut me out again. It's been like this since you left him. Either you want to be with me or you don't. Which is it? I'm not going to keep playing second fiddle to a memory."

"FUCK YOU," Brian said slamming the door behind him and tearing down the stairs.

Anthony was determined to have it out once and for all and followed Brian out to his jeep. Standing in front of it he knew that he had his attention. "Don't you just fucking walk out on me. We need to settle this. Either you make an effort to get over Justin or you leave. I WILL NOT BE SECOND BEST."

"Don't push me, Anthony."

"God damn you, Brian, I am NOT Justin Taylor. Look at me, I'm standing out here in the middle of the fucking street at two in the morning begging you to love me. Do you think I don't hear you at night? I know you sit out there in the dark with that fucking picture you still have in your wallet. I know that you cry out for him in your sleep. It kills me to know that when you make love to me, it's Justin you think about. What does he give you that I don't? What's so fucking special about him?"

"He's Justin. He's just Justin."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin met Noah at the diner everyday for almost two weeks. The two young men were taking things slowly and Noah had been understanding when Justin told him that he had just come out of a serious relationship. Tonight Justin sat waiting for him determined that tonight he was going to put Brian behind him for good.

Noah sank down into the seat next to the blond he had spent every day with for weeks now and kissed him softly. It was official, Noah Hill was in love. They sat close together sharing fries and milkshakes, laughing about nothing in particular. Neither man noticed the tall man sitting two booths back watching with tears filling his eyes.

Brian had seen Justin sitting alone and had sat down trying to get up the courage to go over and talk to him when that damn kid came in and kissed him. It suddenly got harder to breathe and his heart ached to see Justin smile up at him the same way he used to for him. That was his smile, his kiss.

Justin and Noah paid the check, kissed Debbie and left. Brian waited only seconds before following them out the door. He shadowed them down Liberty Avenue until they went inside Babylon. Pulling out a cigarette he stalled, not sure he wanted to see them together on the dance floor and knowing that he could not handle seeing them head to the backroom.

Extenguishing the butt with his boot he took the steps two at a time stopping just long enough to talk to Mike, the door man. Once inside the dark club he headed up to the catwalk for a better view. He spotted them almost immediatly. Justin was dancing with his arms around the other man's neck like he used to do with him. Brian had to hold onto the railing to keep from tearing down the steps and taking Justin out of there.

He stood and watched as they kissed. He saw how Justin felt comfortable and happy in this man's arms. He knew that he'd lost. Justin had moved on just when he had come to the conclusion that he could no more live his life without Justin than air. Justin was a part of him and he would forever compare every man to him and noone would ever come close.

Brian descended the stairs and stopped for one last look at his love before leaving. He drove back to Anthony's in silence. He opened the door with his key, walked past his lover and began to pack. Anthony stood in the doorway watching as Brian haphazardly threw clothes into a bag.

"I love you, Brian."

"I know and I'm sorry. I really am."

"Someday your heart will just let him go and when it does I'll be here waiting."

"That day will never come. I will never get over Justin. I tried to love you, Anthony, but you just aren't him."

"Someday soon those memories of him will fade away. Someday he'll move on and you will be left to face the memories alone, then what, Brian?"

"He's already moved on but it doesn't matter. I can't be with anyone but him. I'll never love anyone like I love him. I'm dead inside without him."

***********************************************************************************

Noah pulled Justin off the dance floor and led him towards the door. Justin stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"Noah, I don't know if I'm ready."

"We don't have to do anything you don't want." Noah's eyes pleaded with Justin to trust him. Justin took a chance and followed him out to the car. 

"Justin, I think I'm falling in love with you."

"Noah, it's too soon."

"I can't help the way I feel. I don't expect you to feel the same way, but I wish you would at least give me the chance to heal your heart."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Across town Brian stepped into the dark loft and dropped his suitcase. He needed to feel close to Justin, if only for the night. He wanted to close his eyes and forget that he ever left. Stripping he stood under the hot spray of water and let the ghosts of their love weave their spell over him. An hour later, exhausted and still wet, he collapsed onto their bed and cried himself to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin opened the door to the apartment and stuck his head in looking for Emmett. Not seeing him he pushed the door open wide and let Noah in first. Before the door shut Noah was in his arms. They kissed and Justin pressed him against the door. He could feel the man beneath him harden as the kiss deepened.

His heart beat faster and he was breathless when he pulled away from Noah. He stood looking at him for several heartbeats before he spoke.

"God knows I want you but I don't want you to get hurt. I'm not ready to offer you anything more than tonight."

"I'm not asking for anything more than the chance to love you, Justin. Whoever it was that broke your heart is crazy for letting you go but I have to say that I'm glad that he did. If tonight is the only night I ever spend in your life, it will be enough for me. I want to drown in the feel of you tonight. I want one night to show you that you can feel again, that you are capable of love again."

Justin took Noah's hand and led him into the bedroom and closed the door, locking out any thought of Brian Kinney.


	8. Scattered Ashes

Melanie watched Brian playing with Gus on the floor of the living room and looked over to her wife only to find her with tears in her eyes. Taking Lindsay's hand she pulled her into the kitchen before taking her in her arms and soothing her.

"He's going to be okay, Lindz."

"Not without Justin he won't."

"He's the one who left this time. He can't have expected Justin to wait around forever for him to come to his senses."

"I still don't know why he left, Mel. He loves Justin so much, it just doesn't make any sense."

"He left because he could and because he was protecting himself. Brian is all about protecting Brian. He left before Justin had the chance to again."

"I don't believe that. They were so happy, so much in love."

"Sometimes love can't fix everything, honey. Those two had a lot of problems that didn't go away after Justin came back. Brian still has trouble with his feelings and Justin still needs to know that his partner loves him."

"But look at him in there, he's broken. That's not the Brian Kinney I know. That man in there is hurting and the only person who can make him whole again isn't around."

"You can't fix it for him, Lindz. He has to do that on his own."

"And what if he can't?"

"Then he has to deal with that."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian was playing cars with his son trying to find a way to live without Justn when the doorbell rang. Looking around he didn't see Lindsay or Melanie so he went to open it himself. Shock registered on Justin's face to find Brian behind the door.

"Fuck," he muttered turning to leave.

Brian's hand snaked out and caught his arm, "Don't go, Justin."

"Brian, I'm not doing this. I'm not going to just stand here and let you tell me how sorry you are 'cause frankly I don't care anymore."

Brian looked back on Gus and shut the door behind him. He shivered against the cold morning and unconsiously rubbed his arms for warmth.

"I just wanted a chance to talk to you,that's all. Is that too much to ask after everything we've been through?"

"Yes, it is."

"I'm sorry, Justin," he said to his ex-lover's retreating back.

Justin whirled around, tears in his eyes, "Sorry just doesn't cut it, Brian. Sorry is bullshit."

"My own words coming back to haunt me."

"Well you were right. You can't fix this and you can't change it. It's over. We're over."

"I love you."

"Too little, too late. God, don't you see what your leaving did to me? It nearly killed me but I survived. I fought everyday for just a little bit of happiness without you. I never thought I'd smile again, or laugh again or ever be happy again. But I am. I wake up everyday looking forward to just being alive. You're leaving, as hard as it was, probably was the best thing that ever happened. I saw that I could be okay without you in my life. I saw that I was just as strong without you as I ever was with you."

"Do you still love me?"

"I'll never stop loving you, Brian, but I'm not in love with you anymore." Justin hated lying to him but knew that the words would cut deep.

"Do you love Noah?" He hated himself for playing that little bit of information that Michael had provided but he had to know.

"I don't know, but I'd sure like the chance to find out. Just stay out of my life, Brian. If you ever loved me, give me the chance to be happy with him. He's good to me."

"And does he know that you'll always love me?"

"Yes he does and it doesn't bother him. He knows it's over, that I'm over you."

"I won't give up on us."

"There is no *us* anymore. There's Brian and there's Justin but there is no longer a Brian and Justin. You threw that all away, not me."

"I can't just stop loving you."

"You keep talking about loving me, words you could never say when we were together. Maybe you need to figure out why it is that you can say them now, when I'm happy with someone else." Justin reached out and caressed his face one last time. "Goodbye, Brian. I hope you get what you want."

Once again Brian's words were thrown back in his face and he stood silently watching the only man he had ever truly love walk out of his life one more time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian sat in his new apartment staring at the announcement in the paper through tears. Justin was gettting married. It was all there in black and white. The man he had never stopped loving, loved someone else enough to marry him. Noah was giving Justin everything that Brian never could.

It had been a year since that morning on Lindsay's porch. Brian sat back on the couch and let his mind wander over the last year.

Justin had walked away from him that day and never looked back. Brian spent the next few months watching and loving him from afar. He had done as Justin asked and left him alone. His reward was watching as Justin fell in love with Noah. According to their friends, Justin was happy and that was all that mattered.

Brian had retreated back to his old life for the most part. Work consumed him and he had made The Kinney Agency into one of the most successful around. He'd managed to bring most of his loyal clients along and it had been a lucrative move for all involved.

He'd seen Anthony around town and one night found himself sitting outside of their old condo. He just wanted to see that he was alright. He had come to the conclusion that he did love Anthony but he just couldn't forget about Justin, so he moved on. He never regretted one moment spent with Anthony. They had been happy at first until Brian gave into his feelings.

He'd gone to Babylon a couple of times but it just wasn't the same without Justin by his side. He found himself watching for the blond and when he didn't show Brian left. He resumed his breakfasts with the gang and they all went about life as if Brian and Justin had never existed.

Michael and Ben had spent the last year getting Hunter through high school and were now shopping for colleges with the young man. They'd become a regular little family and Brian was happy for them. Hunter was a good kid with a heart of gold and he was lucky to have Ben and Michael in his life. For his graduation Brian sent them all on a cruise.

Lindsay and Melanie had been his pillar of strength and he had even begun to see Melanie in a new light. She was great with JR and the little boy was striving. Brian had been there when he took his first step and watched as the carbon copy of his best friend asserted his independence. Life went on.

Emmett tried his best to respect Brian's feelings and not talk about Noah and Justin too much, but at times he just couldn't hold his happiness for his friend in. Brian had learned a lot about the other man in Justin's life from Emmett. He found it hard to hate the man who made Justin so happy.

The phone rang and brought him back to the present. Answering it he smiled hearing Mikey's voice.

"Hey, Brian, are you ok?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Today's paper," Michael said softly.

"He's happy, that's all that matters."

"Listen, I called to tell you that they're having an engagement party at the diner tonight. Maybe you should avoid downtown."

"I'm happy for him, Michael. And I promise I won't do anything stupid."

"I can skip it if you want, come hang out with you, keep you company."

"No, you go, you're his friend. You should be there to share in his happiness."

"Well I'll have my phone if you need me. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'll be just fine."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin and Noah walked into applause and shouts of congratulations. All of their friends and family were there to wish them well on the beginning of their new life together. Justin looked around and felt that somehow this just wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

Slipping away from the party he stepped out back and was lost in memories of a different time, a different man. He could see Brian standing out back waiting for him to get off work so that they could go home to bed. Those long nights spent here after hours of dancing at Babylon. That was all over now, he was marrying another man in a few short weeks. He had to put the ghosts of his life with Brian away for good.

The past year with Noah had been full of laughter and joy. He knew that Noah loved him and he loved him back, but it wasn't the same. Noah didn't take his breath away and he didn't find himself just sitting and thinking about him the way he did when he was with Brian.

They'd taken things slowly, learning how to love one another in time. Noah had always been patient and never tried to make him forget about the love he shared with Brian. He was a good man and Justin loved him.

"But am I in love with him?" he asked himself.

He was still standing there leaning against the wall when Noah called out for him. Turning his back on the past he stepped back inside to open gifts with his lover.

Laughter echoed through the diner as they ate and drank and just enjoyed being together to celebrate a happy occasion. After all the guests were gone and they had opened the last gift, Noah put his arm around his lover and they went home.

Justin's dreams were filled with Brian. He saw the two of them together on the dancefloor, in the backroom and in the loft. Every memory was a happy one. Slipping quietly from the bed he tiptoed out to the living room and flipped on the television. The glow from the screen illuminated an envelope that had been slipped under the door.

Picking it up he fingered his name scrawled across the front. He knew the handwriting and held his breath as he opened the letter. Pulling out the sheets of cream colored stationary he sank back down onto the couch to read the words.

_Justin_

_I saw the announcement in the paper . I don't know why I'm writing this, I just know that I have to. I'm glad that you found someone to share your life with. You deserve to be loved._

_I want you to know that I won't come between the two of you. I'll stay away forever if it makes you happy. To see you smile is enough for me._

_I just wanted you to know that I love you. I always have and I always will. It feels like I've lost everything without you in my life but your happiness is more important than how I feel._

_I wish you and Noah the best. He is a lucky man, Justin, to have you love him. I know I was once where he is now._

_Goodbye, Justin. I hope that Noah gives you everything you ever dreamt of._

_Always  
Brian_


	9. Scattered Ashes

Justin sat in his mom's kitchen sipping a double Beam trying to calm his nerves. This was his wedding day and all he could think of was Brian. He was sitting with his head down on the table when his mom came in and kissed him on the top of the head.

"Morning, honey. Today's the big day."

"Yeah, it is." Justin could hear the sadness in his voice and wondered if his mom could too. Showing no signs of it she was about go back out of the room when he spoke again. "Mom, am I doing the right thing?"

"Justin, honey, only you can answer that. Do you love Noah?"

"Yeah, I love him."

"But?" Jennifer already knew the answer to that question and continued on, not giving her son a chance to answer. "He came to see me the other day. He wanted me to list the loft for him, said that he had no reason to keep it now. Did you know that he wasn't living there?"

"No. Why are you telling me this Mom?"

"Because I want you to know that he's accepted the fact that you love Noah and that you have a life with him. He's letting you go, honey. It's time for you to let him go."

"What if I can't?"

"Honey, you're marrying another man today, a man you say you love. I know that you're scared and it's alright to be, but you have to let go of the past now."

"What if it's more than being scared? What if I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life marrying Noah? God, Mom, I can't help but wish that it were Brian that I was marrying instead."

"Sweetheart, what you and Brian had was special and noone expects you to forget it but it's in the past. You and Brian haven't been a couple in a long time. What makes you think that he would even want you back in his life now?"

"I don't know, Mom. I just don't know how I'm supposed to stand up before God and pledge my love and committment to somone when I know in my soul that he isn't the man I always dreamt I would be giving it to."

"Oh, honey, I wish I had the right words to tell you that would help you but I don't. You just have to do what's right for you."

"Even if that means not marrying Noah?"

"Even if it means not marrying Noah."

"Thanks Mom," Justin kissed her cheek and ran upstairs to dress. 

An hour later at the church Justin sought out Noah. Knocking softly on the door he let himself in and smiled at how handsome his lover looked standing there.

"Hey, baby, don't you know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding?"

"We need to talk, Noah."

"Yeah, I kinda figured we did when this was deliverd this morning." He handed a black velvet box to Justin and watched his face light up when he saw the pendant that hung from a silver chain. "He still loves you, Justin. And I always knew that you never stopped loving him. I guess I just hoped that you loved me more. I prayed that he would let you go. When I opened that box this morning I thought about how hard it must be for him to do just that and I knew what had to be done."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I'm letting you go. Go back to him, go back to Brian. He's the one you love. I've always known that. I'm okay with it."

"I do love you, Noah."

"I know that you do. I also know that I can never be Brian for you. I can never make your eyes sparkle like they do when you think about him, or make you smile the way he does."

"Thank you."

"Well we should get out there and tell everyone that there will be no wedding today. Then you can go get back the love of your life."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin and Noah walked down the aisle of the church hand in hand. All eyes were on the two of them as they made their way down front. Once the music stopped they turned and faced their friends and family. Justin spoke first.

"Thank you all for coming here today. I know that you're expecting a wedding but Noah and I have decided that we aren't getting married today."

As the whispers started amongst the group, Justin looked up to find Brian standing at the back of the church. All eyes were on the blond as he slowly gravitated toward the older man. Stopping just short of him Justin looked up into his eyes and asked between tears something he had been wondering about all morning.

"Did you mean it? When you said you that you still love me, did you mean it?"

"With all my heart."

"Why? Why are you here?"

"I couldn't let you go without a fight. I couldn't lose you forever without at least telling you in person that I love you."

"Did you think it would make a difference?"

"I hoped, but even if it didn't I at least got to tell you one last time."

"Well go ahead."

"Now? Here?"

"Say what you came to say, Brian."

"I love you Justin. I never stopped. I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy and if Noah makes you happy then I wish you both the best."

Brian wiped the tears from his eyes and left the building. Justin stood crying, not sure why Brian had left. Noah came down to stand behind him and whispered, "Go after him."

Justin ran out into the sunlight and called out for Brian. When the other man turned to face him he walked slowly towards him.

"Don't you want to hear what I have to say?"

"Not really."

"Too bad, you're going to. I love you too. Everyday of my life I've loved you."

"What are you saying, Justin?" Brian tried his best to control his emotions, not sure that he should be feeling the hope that overwhelmed him.

"I'm saying I love you, Brian. I love you. I'm not marrying Noah."

"Why?"

"Fuck, would you just listen to me for a change? I love *YOU*. Its you I want to marry. It's you I want to spend forever with. "

Brian silenced him with a kiss. When they broke apart Brian pulled back and looked at Justin. "Are you serious?" he asked breathlessly.

"Always'."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Brian took Justin's hand and led him back into the church and down the aisle. Justin smiled up at his partner and stood before God and his family and pledge his love and committment to the man of his dreams.


	10. Scattered Ashes

Applause erupted in the small church as Brian Kinney pulled a very happy Justin down the aisle. Noone had ever expected to see Brian in such a hurry to marry anyone. Debbie stood with tears in her eyes and stepped out to hug them both close.

"Deb, you're smothering me." Brian gasped audibly to make his point.

"Debbie, could you let us go before he changes his mind?"

She let go and softly smacked Justin's cheek. "You did good Sunshine." She looked over to the tall man she considered a son and her heart filled with love. "And you, you little asshole, putting us all through this. Not to mention just barging into a wedding uninvited. What the hell were you thinking?'

"Sorry, Ma."

"I'm so proud of you Brian. Now get up there and marry that boy before you chicken out."

Brian kissed her cheek and took Justin's hand, walking the few short steps to the alter. The minister watched the looks that passed between the men who stood before him and began the ceremony.

"Dearly beloved, we are here today to celebrate the love and committment that," he looked over at Brian, who whispered his name. "Brian and Justin have professed to one another. Today they share that love with the world and we rejoice in the beginning of a new life for them to share. Watching the scene that played out here just moments before, it is with great joy that I join these two in God's love. It is obvious to see the love that these men have for one another. Their love is so strong that you feel it radiating from them."

He looked to Justin then Brian before continuing. "It is our duty as their family to support their union, to love them and to give them the foundation to start a life together as one. From this moment forward their souls are joined forever in love's holy covenant."

"Justin, it is now time for you to bare your soul to the man you chose."

Justin took a deep breath and struggled against tears as he looked up at Brian. "This is not how I pictured our wedding. I saw you in a black Armani tux, white silk shirt, grey tie, but this is so much better. When I woke up this morning I asked myself if what I was doing was right and I turned to find a sketch of you bathed in sunlight and knew that I could never survive a forever that didn't include you. We've survived the crash and burn, Brian and today we put the past behind us and start a new life. Words have never been your strong suit and I've gotten used to it. I used to wish you would just say the words but I've come to realize that you can't always measure a man by words. I know that you love me. I feel it in the way you touch me, the way you protect me. I feel it in the way you give me courage to just be myself. I see the love shining in your eyes when you look at me."

Brian wiped a tear from his partner's eye and Justin held tightly to his hand. "I'll always love you. I'd give up everything for you. You're my knight in shining armour. You're my forever. Now and always Brian."

Jennifer wiped at the tears that flowed freely and looked around to see the rest of the witness do the same. Her son was finally happy, he finally had the love of his life.

Brian looked out at their family, then back at Justin and shook his head, laughing softly. "I don't have anything prepared so I guess I just have to speak from the heart. I used to think that weddings were only meant for dykes and heteros," he waited for the chuckles to subside before continuing. "But I stand up here, next to you, in front of everyone and know that this is right. I'm where I'm supposed to be. I came here today to let you go, to say goodbye. I stood out there and watched you and it dawned on me that if I let you go, I'd never experience anything so great again in my life. The road that brought us to this moment has never been easy. We've both said things that cut deep and we've both forgotten our way from time to time. It happens and it'll happen again but all I have to do is look at your smile and know that I can face anything as long as you're by my side. I promise to give you a life of laughter and sunshine, of beauty and joy. And when shadows fall across the sun and you don't know how to go on anymore I will be standing next to you, holding you up so that you can soar. Everything you are is everything I long to be. You give your love so freely and you've taught me that love is possible. And when our tomorrows are just scattered ashes blowing in the wind, I'll still be there to hold your hand and remind you that you are the sunshine of my life. I love you Justin. Always."

Brian leaned down and captured Justin's mouth in a kiss that conveyed all of his feelings. The minister cleared his throat and laughter roared as they broke apart.

"That was beautiful Brian, but just not the right moment. Now if we can continue?"

"Sure, Father, but could you hurry it up some? Its been way too long since I've had such a beautiful blond just waiting to be kissed again."

The minister laughed along with the gang and proceeded with the ceremony. "Its just a few more formalities then you'll be able to kiss him all you want." Turning to Justin he asked, "Do you Justin take Brian as your partner for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others until death parts you?"

"You bet I do."

"And Brian do you take Justin as your partner for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others until death parts you?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Well then in God's eyes I pronounce you partners for eternity. NOW, you may kiss him."

Brian gathered Justin in his arms and just before their lips touched he whispered, "Always."

When the kiss broke, Brian and Justin turned to face their family and friends. It was just mere seconds before they were in the midst of hugs and well wishes. Brian held firmly to Justin's hand determined not to be seperated from him for even one second.

"Hey, we have a party to get to," Emmett yelled and led the gang out the door giving Brian and Justin a moment alone.

"I never thought this moment would come."

"How does it feel to be Mrs. Brian Kinney?"

"Better than I could've ever imagined. Thank you Brian."

"For what? I'm the one who should be on my knees thanking you."

"And you will be later." Justin laughed and pulled Brian back to his feet. "Thank you for loving me enough to fight for us."

"My pleasure," he said capturing him in another kiss. Neither man heard Ted step back into the room.

"Um, boys, there is a party waiting for you. You have a lifetime to fuck and some of us are starving."

"We're coming," Brian said without taking his eyes off of his lover.

"Well we don't have time for that. Let's go."

Justin was the one leading Brian out the door this time. They settled back into the limo that whisked them away to their reception and Brian held tightly to Justin's hand the whole way.

"I'm not going anywhere, you don't have to hold on so tight."

"I just got you back, there's no way in Hell I'm letting you go now."

"I love you."

"I love you too Sunshine."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An hour into the reception they had managed to thank everyone personally and were off in a corner trying to steal a few minutes alone when Noah walked up.

"I just wanted you to know that he's where he belongs," he said extending a hand to Brian. Brian shook the other man's hand and turned back to Justin. They were in mid kiss when Emmett called for everyone's attention.

"Ok, well, now that they've finally come to their senses and quit putting us through all this drama it's time for their first dance as husband and, well, wife. Brian? Justin? Anybody seen them? Hey Ted go check the backroom. Oh wait there they are." The spotlight found the two men and Brian shook his head.

"Come on, honey, it's time to make the fans happy."

"I heard that Brian," Emmett called back. "Ok since this was all a big surprise to us all, I took the liberty of choosing your music for your first dance. Well actually Lindsay and I did since I couldn't decide on my own. You all know I'm going through my Clay Aiken phase and well these two songs just sort of sum up your journey here. So without further ado, get your asses out on that dancefloor and give us our money's worth."

The crowd parted as the first notes of "The Way" began and Brian pulled Justin into his embrace, kissing him softly before moving to the music.

There's somethin' 'bout the way   
You look tonight   
There's somethin' bout the way that   
I can't take my eyes off you 

There's somethin' 'bout the way   
Your lips invite   
Maybe it's the way that   
I get nervous when you're around 

And I want you to be mine   
And if you need a reason why 

It's in the way that   
You move me   
And the way that   
You tease me   
The way that   
I want you tonight 

It's in the way that   
You hold me   
And the way that   
You know me   
And when I can't find   
The right words to say   
You feel it in the way   
Oh, feel it in the way 

Somethin' 'bout how you stay on my mind   
There's somethin' 'bout the way that   
I whisper your name when I'm asleep, oh, girl   
Maybe it's the look   
You get in your eyes   
Oh, baby, it's the way that   
It makes me feel to see you smile   
And the reasons they may change   
But what I'm feelin' stays the same 

In the way that   
You move me   
And the way that   
You tease me   
The way that   
I want you tonight [tonight] 

It's in the way that   
You hold me   
And the way that   
You know me   
And when I can't find   
The right words to say   
You feel it in the way   
Oh, feel it in the way 

I can't put my fingers on   
Just what it is that makes me   
Love you, you, baby   
So don't ask me to describe   
I get all choked up inside   
Just thinkin' 'bout the way 

It's in the way that [Oh]   
You move me   
And the way that   
You tease me   
The way that I want you tonight [tonight] 

Oh [It's in the way that]   
You hold me [the way you hold me, yeah]   
And the way that   
You know me [the way you know me]   
When I can find the right words to say [Feel it in the]   
It's in the way that   
You move me   
And the way that   
You tease me [feelin']   
The way-ay-ay-ay-ay ~ [feel it in the way] 

There's somethin' 'bout the way you look tonight   
There's nothin' more to say than   
I feel it in the way

Brian found himself singing the words to Justin. Justin smiled through tears at his partner and braced himself for the next song, knowing exactly what it was since Emmett had listened to it nonstop for a week.

He pulled Brian closer and spoke the words as the song began.

When the world wasn't upside down, I could take all the time I had   
But I'm not going to wait when a moment can vanish so fast 

'Cuz every kiss is a kiss you can never get back 

Lift me up in your eyes   
If you told me that is what Heaven is, well, you'd be right   
I've been waiting forever for this   
This is the night 

When the answer to all my dreams is as close as a touch away   
Why am I here holding back what I'm trying to say? 

Lift me up in your eyes   
If you told me that is what Heaven, well, you'd be right   
Hold me close to your heart   
I would go with you to the ends of the Earth and we'll fly   
I've been waiting for this   
This is the night 

This is the night where we capture forever all our tomorrow's begin   
After tonight, we will never be lonely again 

Lift me up in your eyes   
If you told me that is what Heaven is, well, you'd be right   
Hold me close to your heart   
I would go with you to the ends of the Earth and we'll fly   
I've been waiting forever for this   
This is the night 

Michael and Ben were standing near the cake when Debbie commented that they should take the men off the top since they didn't look like Brian and Justin. Michael had an idea and ran to the comic store and made it back in time to replace the grooms before they cut the cake.

Brian walked over to the cake, hating the traditions that went along with weddings and burst into laughter when he saw Rage and JT action figures on the top. Pressing his lips to Michael's he thanked his friend.

"Thanks Mikey, looks like Zephyr saved the day."

"Not the day, just the cake. That's what a trusty sidekick is supposed to do right?"

Brian kissed him again.

"Hey now, none of that, he's officialy mine now." Justin stepped between the two friends and noticed the cake. "Hey look, its a storybook ending."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

At midnight Brian carried Justin over the threshold of the loft. Setting him down he watched as Justin's laughter consumed him.

"I can't believe it. I'm married. And to you no less. I never ever thought that you'd want to marry me and here I am, married to Brian Kinney."

"Are you kidding me? I've wanted to marry you since that night you were leaning against a streetlight outside of Babylon. Its all your fault Sunshine."

"God Brian, I love you. I love you so much." He watched as his lover walked away and asked, "Where are you going?"

"This calls for a toast, don't you think," Brian announced pulling out a bottle of champagne.

"But you hate champagne."

"And you love it. So shut up and let me have my ridiculously romantic moment." 

Justin accepted the flute of gold liquid, taking a sip, he listened to his partner.

"I love you Justin, Those aren't just words, I feel it all the way to my soul. All those months without you were pure torture. I'm never letting you out of my sight again."

"Do you really love me? Is this really really real? Are you always going to be here?"

"Always Sunshine, always."

Justin accepted the kiss his partner offered and began his new life.


End file.
